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We should not underestimate the profound impact of wider family relationships on a marriage. Families are complex; some have caused untold heartache and pain that have rolled on down the years and even the generations; others have been a huge source of joy and happiness where the ripple effect on countless lives has brought much blessing and good. If our wider family relationships are to work for the benefit of each generation, we will first need to understand how our relationship with our parents should have developed as we grew up.
The progress from dependence
Our progress from complete dependence on our parents as children through to eventual independence is of vital importance for our marriage. We move through different stages as we change from being a child to being a teenager, then an adult, and finally a married person. Of course, no experience of family life will always be quite as neat around the edges as these descriptions suggest. Some have been brought up by one parent. There are many very loving and highly effective lone-parent families who create a healthy and happy home in which to grow up. There may have been divorce, death, remarriage, step-parents and step-families. But the same general principles of moving through each stage apply to us all. As a couple, you can read through these descriptions together, remembering that you were once the child in the equation. As you do this, you are seeking to understand more about your own and your partner’s upbringing, and whether your relationship with your parents changed as it should have at each stage. We need to talk openly about the strengths and weaknesses of our parents and their marriages. An adult relationship with them requires us to let go of the fantasies of childhood in which we idealised our parents, as well as the common disillusionment during our teenage years when they could do nothing right, and to see them as they really are. We hope that looking at the four different stages will help you do this.
Early years
During the early years, our parents met our physical needs for food, drink, sleep, cleanliness, warmth and medication. They were also responsible for our emotional needs. These included affection, acceptance, security, encouragement, comfort and so on. Our emotional needs were every bit as vital, even if not as immediately obvious, as our physical needs. The experience of parental love builds a child’s self-confidence, an essential quality for making relationships later in life. Relationships always involve the risk of our love being rejected, and the self-confidence we gain from the knowledge of our parents’ unconditional love enables us to take this risk and to reach out in love to others.
Our parents needed to set boundaries for our security. A young child’s activities must be tightly controlled. Dangers must be avoided. Places that are unsafe to play in must be prohibited. As children, we did not have the maturity to make sound judgments about such things.
Teenagers
Do you remember yourself as a teenager? During these years, our parents needed to give us increasing independence, allowing us to make our own decisions in as many areas as possible. These may have included our choice of friends, the use of our spare time, our clothes, our hairstyle (if they dared) and how we decorated our room.
This gradual letting go is an essential part of the transition from total parental control to eventual independence. As young teenagers, however, we still needed boundaries around our activities. We require increasing freedom within set limits. We were not mature enough to make all our own decisions and would usually have admitted, if pressed, that we appreciated the security that these boundaries brought. The adolescent years involved much self-questioning as we established our own identity, and we needed our parents’ continued emotional support. By now we might have started to recognise how we could be of help to our parents, offering some level of reciprocal support.
“Coming of age” / Leaving home
Between 18and 21 years of age some of us were still living in our parental home.Nevertheless, we were learning independence, making our own decisions over further education, choice of career, other relationships, use of money and soon.
Most of us at this stage continued to look to our parents for advice, financial support and comfort (if things went wrong). But it was now more of an adult relationship. Hopefully we were less self-focused and were accepting responsibilities towards our parents, such as making contact (if we lived away from home) and recognising their need of appreciation, support, affection or encouragement.
Getting married
As a married couple, we have the need to establish our own home, make our own decisions and meet each other’s needs. Our first loyalty must now be to each other and we must leave behind any emotional dependence upon our parents.
This change of loyalty does not mean cutting ourselves off from our families. When the relationship is on a proper footing, parents (and siblings) will be a huge support to a marriage. This has been our own experience, and our parents have been a wonderful source of love, support, fun and close friendship. We also greatly value the close and special relationship we have with our brothers and sisters and their families. Despite distances of hundreds of miles between us, these relationships play an important part in our own and our children’s lives.They have had to be nurtured over the years as it takes effort from both sides to stay in touch and spend time together. Gatherings with our extended family around Christmas, New Year and half-term holidays as well as special birthdays and anniversaries have all been valuable occasions for the different generations to meet. It is worth making the most of such opportunities because the demands and pressures of life can easily crowd out these unique relationships.
When we are married, it is important both to establish our independence as a couple, and to develop a strong, mutually supportive and enjoyable relationship with our parents, parents-in-law and extended family.
