.svg)
.jpg)
Keeping time for each other in marriage is not easy. There are obstacles that get in our way: schedules at work over which we have little control, transporting children from one activity to the next or a self-inflicted pressure that “there is always something else that needs to be done”. Many of us are overcome with exhaustion at the end of the day and the easiest option is to sit in front of one or more screens, physically together but mentally apart.
But the regularity and nature of time spent together will create the fabric of a relationship over a lifetime. In our own marriage, we have sought to set the following pattern of fixed times for one another.
A weekly date night
Experience has shown us that keeping our weekly date requires the following three commitments. The first is to plan it. This will involve finding a time that works for us both, which will depend on whether we have children, how old they are, whether our work is at home or some distance away. For some years we discovered that a two-hour lunch was the best time for us. Now we can be more flexible between the daytime and the evening. But we still put it in our calendars once a week, and we give it as high a commitment as an invitation we have accepted or an appointment we have made. Because our lives are busy, we usually plan our weekly dates three months ahead, putting each other’s name in our diaries once a week like any other appointment.
This idea of planning time together with our husband or wife may seem contrived. However, it is the first thing that can slip quietly out of a loving relationship. We don’t set out to neglect one another. Rather, the routines of daily life steal the time we once spent together.
The second commitment is to make this time together a priority. This means recognising the importance of it over and above the many other good things that we could be doing with our spare time, such as seeing family, entertaining at home, going to a party, watching a football match with friends or commitments at church. Making our time together a top priority is a powerful indication of our love.
When we were first married, we often failed in this. When other people invited us to do something with them, it seemed unfriendly to say we were keeping the evening for ourselves. So now, instead of telling them, “We are having an evening in,” we say, “I am so sorry, but we are busy,” without saying what we are doing. If we receive an exciting invitation that clashes with our planned date, we have an agreement not to accept it without consulting the other, and we will usually only make a change if we can find an alternative time that week.
The third commitment is to protect it. Interruptions can destroy our time together. Our phones can hold us to ransom. Some of us cannot resist answering it or checking our messages and notifications at frequent intervals; others find it hard not to talk for hours. We made the decision to put our phones on silent and out of sight during our date night in order not to be distracted from focusing on each other.
For others, the television is the prime intruder. Watching TV can easily claim many hours each week, some of which could otherwise be spent in conversation. If the TV is a problem, do something. Banish it from the sitting room, schedule your programme and catch up at a more convenient time when it’s not going to detract from this quality time you’ve planned together.
We try to arrange our weekly date at a place where we are not going to bump into people we know. The needs of family and friends are important, but none of them is as important as the need to invest time in our marriage.
The busier we are, the more important and the more inconvenient this time together becomes. On occasions, one or both of us have been distracted by other pressing demands, but the temptation to cancel our time together is far easier to resist when we are convinced of its long-term benefits. Of course, there have been weeks when it has been impossible, but we have discovered that two weeks without the opportunity to relax together and communicate properly is a longtime in a marriage. We soon find that we are out of touch with each other and often out of sorts too. When we have had time together, we experience a sense of well-being: the week feels more balanced, we are less fraught about the demands of life and we relate better to each other and to other people.
A day together
Every four to six months we plan a day away by ourselves. This is a time to talk over those things that in everyday life we have neither the time nor the energy to discuss. It is a time of looking back to see what is working well and what needs attention, to consider our finances, to look forward to our goals for the future and to dream up new ideas for our marriage and family life.
Setting aside time every few months helps to prevent a backlog on these bigger issues. These days have become special and fun for us. Because we live in the city we try to get out to the country. We go for a walk and have lunch together, giving ourselves plenty of time to talk. We have sometimes written down plans and goals to refer back to in the months to come.
Holiday
We have discovered the benefits of considering carefully how and where to spend our holidays, taking into account our different preferences. It is all too easy to think we will just “go with the flow”, see what comes up or accept the first invitation to go away with other people. We have been on holidays that we failed to plan and think through properly, and on our return realised that we needed a holiday in order to recover. The main purpose of a holiday is to have fun, to relax and be re-energised through a break from our usual routine. We have found that holidays with lots of other friends, friends’ children or family are wonderful for some of the time, but not all of it.
Mini-honeymoons
Two or three days away as a couple once a year, without our children, have had an amazingly revitalising effect on our relationship. For couples with young children, it can be difficult to organise, but it is well worth persevering. If you do not have family who could look after them, what about the possibility of taking turns with friends who have children the same age to enable each couple to go away for a few days on their own?
If going away is too expensive, you could have a staycation (but without your children) and do something completely different. Alternatively, swap houses with friends or family who live in another part of the country. We see this time as a mini-honeymoon every year. The benefits more than repay the effort it takes to organise it.
