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Giving presents is a fundamental expression of love that transcends all cultural barriers. They are visual symbols that have a powerful emotional value. For some of us, these symbols are so important that without them we will question whether we are loved at all. A person who is good at giving presents probably loves receiving them. If this is true of our partner, we will need to practise this art.
This is the easiest of the five expressions of love to learn. However, we may need to change our attitude to money. If we are naturally a spender, it will not be difficult for us. But if we are naturally a saver, we may well struggle with the idea of spending money as an expression of love. We are not talking here about the difference between being generous and being mean.
Sila:
Nicky is one of the most generous people I know, but he is a natural saver. Because he does not easily spend money on non-essentials for himself, I know he finds it difficult to buy such things for me. However, he has discovered that presents are another form of investment. For me, presents are not the most important expression of love, but when Nicky quite spontaneously (without it being my birthday or our anniversary) comes home with a flowering plant or something to eat that he knows I like, it makes me aware again that he loves me and has been thinking about me.
A few guidelines about present-buying are worth considering:
Presents can be inexpensive – but have a high value. For example, one flower picked from the garden and given with a note can express love as powerfully as a bunch from a shop.
Don’t wait for special occasions. Spontaneous and unexpected presents can bring a huge amount of joy and a great sense of being special and loved to our partner. A present can cheer someone up during difficult times, such as when one of us is unwell, under pressure or having a hard time at work. Conversely, if our partner has done something that particularly helped us, a present can show that this has not been taken for granted.
Find out what your partner particularly likes to receive. It is worth noticing which presents our partner has especially liked receiving over the years, either from us or from others. If we are out together, we could make a mental note of something they point out in a shop window.
Sila:
Over the years, we have collected blue-and-white china of all different sorts and patterns. Nicky once gave me a pair of large breakfast cups in blue and white, which have become very special. I associate them with a long, leisurely breakfast on a Saturday morning. Each time we use them, I am reminded of Nicky’s care and thoughtfulness in choosing them for me.
There are endless possibilities. The key to being a good present-giver is this: the present must be something that the other person will enjoy, not what we ourselves would like to have. This was certainly an issue in Kenneth and Mei’s marriage:
Mei: Kenneth does have a tendency to buy me things and then say, ‘Oh, it’s for us to share.’
Kenneth: So she got a bench-press for one of her Christmas presents.
Mei: Yes, and a tennis machine for another. SoI said to him, ‘No more gifts.’
Kenneth: Sometimes, you get it wrong.
It is easy to dismiss this expression of love as materialistic or shallow. But we are all different. One husband for whom presents mean little only recognised several years into marriage how important they are for his wife to feel appreciated and loved. Initially he paid little, if any, attention to how they were wrapped or presented. Now he realises the thought and care he puts into the presentation is as important to his wife as the present itself.
If our husband or wife demanded a diamond ring or a sports car every week, we would probably be right to question their motives.Nor should we fob our partner off with presents as a substitute for spending time together or discussing difficulties. The time and thought that go into choosing a present make it truly a gift. And given appropriately, the value of a present can far exceed its cost.
Nicky andSila Lee; The Marriage Book
[1] The material in this blog is adapted from Dr Gary Chapman’s bestselling book, The 5 LoveLanguages®: The Secret to Love That Lasts (© 2015). Published by Northfield Publishing. Used by permission. To learn more about Dr Gary Chapman and to take the free online 5 Love Languages® Profile, visit 5LoveLanguages.com.
