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Letting go of the pain: Forgiveness in marriage
Many couples understand the importance of forgiveness in marriage. They may even reach the point of saying, sincerely, “I forgive you.” And yet, the pain can remain. Memories resurface unexpectedly. Old arguments replay themselves. A familiar ache lingers beneath the surface. This can be confusing and discouraging. If forgiveness is meant to bring freedom, why does it still hurt?
Part of the answer is that forgiveness and healing, though closely connected, are not the same thing. Forgiveness is often a decision made in a moment. Letting go of pain is usually a process that unfolds over time.
When forgiveness doesn’t feel finished
In marriage, hurts are rarely isolated incidents. More often, they build gradually through misunderstandings, unmet expectations, or moments when one partner feels overlooked or unsupported. Even after forgiveness has been offered, the emotional impact of those experiences can remain.
This does not mean forgiveness was insincere or inadequate. It reflects the reality that emotional wounds take time to heal. Our minds may decide to forgive long before our hearts feel fully restored.
Letting go of pain can be challenging because it often becomes part of how we protect ourselves. We may replay past conversations, revisit disappointments, or quietly keep a record of wrongs done – not out of spite, but out of a desire to avoid being hurt again.
In marriage, this can show itself subtly: emotional distance, defensiveness, or bringing old hurts into new disagreements. These patterns don’t mean forgiveness hasn’t happened, but they may signal that the pain itself hasn’t yet been released.
Choosing release, again and again
Letting go of pain is rarely a one-off act. It is more often a repeated choice. Each time an old hurt resurfaces, we are faced with a decision: will we reopen the wound, or will we choose, once again, to let it go?
Many couples find that this process is helped by reflection, honest conversation, and patience – both with themselves and with each other. The Bible speaks of forgiveness as something that brings freedom, and many find strength in entrusting their pain to God, asking for help when letting go feels impossible on their own.
Trust, time, and tenderness
Letting go of pain does not mean ignoring what happened or rushing the rebuilding of trust. Some wounds require time, reassurance, and consistency before they fully heal. Forgiveness and wisdom need to work together.
The journey of releasing hurt is one that benefits from gentleness and hope. Prayer can be a way of inviting God into the healing process – not as a quick fix, but as a source of strength and comfort along the way.
Forgiveness opens the door. Letting go of the pain is often the journey that follows. And as we choose to release again and again, freedom grows gradually, making space for renewed closeness, trust, and a deeper sense of peace in marriage.
